The Process

12:27 p.m., two weeks later.

Two weeks post-surgery. Two weeks of adjusting to my new body. Two weeks and barely breached the outside world.

I kept it together leading up to the surgery. Maybe a little "too well." It's really not normal not to cry like I don't. It's not really a good thing. It doesn't make me stronger. I always realize this after the fact - not while I'm holding things in and together.

But I'll tell you...Going through brain surgery is scary. I had a moment or two in the hospital, the first day after my surgery when I was slightly more cognate, when I felt really close to death. I had the awareness that if my brain reacted poorly to this surgery, it could swell and I could be forever changed as an individual. And so I lay very still and tried to concentrate on being present, and aware, and normal.

My body is tired. I sleep a lot, once I'm able to fall asleep. I dream very involved and tiring dreams, and attribute this to the strong medication I'm still taking. I feel like I'm in a half-dizzy state pretty much all the time - on or off the medication. I know this because I went without any pain pills until mid-afternoon yesterday (not intentionally), and was walking around out in the world. I do the old-lady shuffle when I do walk, and bending over is not on my list of things to do right now.

I went out in the world yesterday and the day before. Just to do little things. To buy myself a fancy face-powder compact at Macy's. Just because. I got some thank you cards for the great people that took care of me in the ICU and on the 3rd Floor Surgical Ward. I went to the grocery store and putzed around with a mini-cart that I could lean on, while Alex got my prescription filled.

I am not a pain-meds person. But, if I don't take them, my head hurts a lot. Kind of like being in a vice and having a hang-over at the same time. Not that I'd know much about being in vices (I have no memory of the halo that crunched my skull into position during surgery, and left me with several head wounds - three of which required staples)...The hangover thing, well, let's just say I've had my share.

I am tired. I think I will work on making a new purse. I can handle small, creative tasks. I can handle doing some reading at night. I can handle the brain-sucking T.V. Don't worry - I won't give up much of my white matter - I've had to work too hard lately to take care of it.

All for now,
Hope you are well.
I am fine. I will continue healing. It is a slower process than I'd like, and I hate not being able to
do things around here (having to put the "Control" part of my being on hold), but I just have to allow the process to unfold as it will.

Best,
Deborah