Teetering

So, on the brink of December, I teeter...

Between the usual: Ah...Enjoyed Thanksgiving (It is officially my favorite holiday; food, food, drink, food, food. And friends and family. Food.), and not so: Trying to prepare mentally and emotionally for my up-coming surgery.

I suppose the most difficult part of this whole ordeal, is some irony that speaks loudly to me and my therapist, but which most people wouldn't know unless they were told...

My son is thirteen years old - the same age that I was when my dad had major brain surgery.

By no means is my surgery anywhere as serious or under as perilous conditions as my dad's was. His was due to a major head injury he suffered, was incredibly invasive and more involved than mine will be. However, because my family and I have had front row seats to brain surgery, I have a different perspective on it than would most.

I teeter between knowing that the surgery ahead is relatively minor in the world of brain surgeries...and knowing what it looks like when the brain is injured - if anything were to go wrong with my surgery.

Most days I am positive. I am relatively unafraid. I make plans for my future.
Some days I look at my son and think how awful it would be for him to have to go through anything even minutely similar to what my family and I went through with my dad's head injury. It brings up old hurts and fears which I try to push away.

About 80% of me knows that I'll be just fine. That I will be fat and happy on a couch three weeks from now, recovering from my surgery. The 20% shadow that follows me around???

Well, this is my reality. I've seen too much to be unrealistic. This is where my philosophy of, "When it's your time - it's God's time, " comes into play. I don't think you can fight your timing. I live my life with the perspective of someone who learned at a young age that life can change, that you can lose someone, at the drop of a hat. I try to show those around me that I am present. That I love them. That I am not full of crap. God knows my heart - and loves me in spite of my imperfections.

So, yes, I teeter. But mostly I am just fine. Some days I have really stupid thoughts go through my head like, "Gosh, it'd be great if I lost a lot of weight because of this!" and, "I hope that Alex doesn't over-feed the fish or under-feed the frogs..." (control freak, I am!)

O.K.

Enough pondering and self-reflection for now.
Treat me as normally as you ever have -
and don't worry: Whatever is supposed to happen,
is going to.

Love,
Debs

When You Least Expect It - Expect It

At the end of this past August, I found out that I have a tumor on my brain. This is good news...And I'll explain why.

A) It's good news because it's most likely non-cancerous.
B) It's good news because if we hadn't found it now, it could have begun attaching itself to my brain, or tunnelling into the vain it's attached to. Which makes things a lot more complicated when it comes to surgery.
3) Well, that's actually all the good reasons I can think of - but two is a start.

I have only told a handful of people, because it's stressful to talk about, and for the last two months I have actually known very little about my tumor, myself.

Oh yeah - I thought of another "good news" thing: c) It's pretty small.

So, as I was saying, I haven't told all that many people. I figure that now is the time for this "NEWS RELEASE" - as catching people off-guard with, "By the way...I'm having brain surgery next week" just wouldn't be cool.

It's too much work to try to explain the details and respond to every email I might get - so writing this blog will be my primary means of communication regarding this issue, over the next couple of months.

How has this impacted my life? Well, I've been depressed some days. Scared, others. Anxious. I'm not looking forward to being couch-bound for several days and in the hospital one or two. I guess - no, I know - it could be worse. Doc says I should be back to work full time in a month from the date of my surgery...Dec. 18th.

I tried on wigs yesterday. Since the tumor is on the top-middle of my brain, I can't see that being a good look just having a three-inch section shaved and the rest, well, not. SO, since I can choose whatever look I like - I think I'll go for the Marilyn Monroe or the Pat Benatar. It's such a hard decision! My vanity says: Girl, you are going to be one UGLY, martian-looking bald woman. And then my inner-bitch says: Who the hell cares??? As long as I make it through this without any hitches, I'll be happy - no matter how awkward I may look.

So, I'll post up until surgery - probably once a week or so - and then after I'm out or the hospital and feel up to doing anything.

Send peaceful thoughts my way.
Love,
Deborah